The Walk of Life

What came first? The music or the misery?
...Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

-High Fidelity-

Well, here I am. What has been happening in my life? I have started my formative assignments in earnest. Went into London the other night. I have been going to the gym every morning. And in between, I have been thinking a lot about, well a lot of different things: The future, the past, and yes even the present a bit.

Formative assignments are a rather odd but welcome practice. I don’t know if they are normal throughout the British educational system or if they are unique to Brunel or Grad school. In each of my classes (with the exception of Mandarin) the professor has handed out a topic on which I will write about 1500 words. They are due about halfway through the semester. The quirk is that they are marked but don’t count towards my grade at all. They are like a dry run to check and see, am I on the right track? Am I getting it? Can I write? Do I remember anything about SPSS? It’s actually kind of nice. It seems like a good opportunity to warm my skills up without a concern that it could be detrimental to my grades. I am writing one on the drawbacks of the Individualism-Collectivism value scales, which are the foundational measures in the field of x-cultural psych. It’s actually a pretty interesting topic because there are many reasons why it is a good and perfectly valid measure as well as quite a few why it is a severely limited tool. My methods class assignment is really just interpreting data and writing a brief report, which really is no sweat. And my occupational/organizational essay is on the pluses and minuses of team building exercises, which is nice because I clearly have quite a bit of experience to draw from. I am really not that worried about them. I am kind of looking forward to writing a bit.

Went into London the other night. Not really that big of a deal. There was some celebration of the 200th anniversary of the battle of Trafalgar. So I wandered around the city fro a few hours on Friday night. I really do love cities at night. There is something a certain something about them. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but I feel good about it.

Yeah, I have been going to the gym in the mornings. Its been good for me to wake up at the same time every day, get moving and have my day started before noon. I find that it keeps me from sitting around for to long in the mornings. I am probably in the best shape I’ve been in since high school (see recent photo).

The gym has been giving me an opportunity to listen to a lot of good music. I have been listening to more music in general than I have in the last few years; it has always been a passion of mine but for some reason I went through a period of not listening as much. Good music, music with meaning and depth and soul, moves me in a way that nothing else can. I am looking in the direction of San Francisco when I say this, but I am open to everybody, if there is good music out there I would love to hear about it. I feel a little out of the loop here.


I have also been thinking a lot lately. I am in one of those moods; I am not sure if I am down, or pensive, or just tired.

My past is slowly creeping into my mind again. I had a bizarre email exchange with Courtney. I really don’t have any animosity left for her, I honestly just don’t care. But I feel misunderstood and am worried about what she is telling people about me. And that is something that no matter who is doing it frustrates me to no end. Fortunately I have been counseled quite wisely to let go and not engage. It’s hard, but I have done a good job of not letting my demons shout down my better angels and I have refrained. I think partly because of this communication and partly because things are settling down here a little more I have been thinking a lot about what brought me here. Why do I struggle so hard with Love. Why do I struggle so hard with how I present myself? I don’t feel like I am fated to never have what I want from love, but I do feel frustrated and hurt that love and understanding, the two things that I am looking for, seem to be so difficult to find. I wonder if there is something that I do not understand, or if it is just the way life rolls. Probably some combination there of. I want so desperately to be loved and to be understood or at least for some one to really try to understand me. And I know that at the same time I do my best to make that a very very difficult task. But I don't know that it is ever an easy one. And I know that no matter how big of a challenge it is, I do seek to understand, and I can't be the only one out there doing this. I know that my past has led me to question the loyalty I can expect from and the trust that I can give to both partners and friends, but I feel like there is something else to it. There is a sadness in my heart from having loved so deeply and having lost. But as it says, better than to have never loved at all.

With these thoughts of the past come thoughts of the future. What am I looking for? From a partner? From a career? From life? The answers are not simple and certainly not clear to me right now. I know that I want the kind of loyalty and love and search for understanding from a partner that I so readily give to others. I want a job that means something, that makes a difference in the world and challenges me. And life, I don’t know, travel, a dog, kids, projects, thoughts, love, friends, a sense of belonging.

And the present. I feel alone here. It is a loneliness that comes in the midst of a lot of people. I feel like I am operating on a different plane. Not necessarily higher or lower one, merely a different one. I feel like I did at Interlochen, where I stood out in a good way, I have been identified as a leader and am fulfilling a role that is without peers. It is the kind of position leads to loneliness. Somewhere between rungs on the social ladder. I also feel like I have hard time really relating to anyone here. Lots of people who are/may one day be good friends but none that really charge me up, no soul mates. People who do and would do whatever they could to help, but still just don’t quite get me enough to fully engage my full potential.


So there it is. That’s what’s going on for me. I feel like I am struggling, but in a different way than I have before. Somehow this time I feel capable of embracing the four noble truths and the noble eightfold path. I feel like I am making an honest effort to see that I am creating much of my own suffering needlessly and move towards the cessation of suffering. And I am ok.








Why is it the people who need the most help won't take it?
-A River Runs Through It-