Contentment

It is one of those great fall days here. One that really defines the season. The leaves are beginning to turn, and a breeze is gently taking them to the ground. It is cool and sunny. Just a few high clouds hanging lazily in the sky. A good day for a walk, or a barbecue. I wish I were somewhere that I could go out to the beach and have a fire.

I was walking back from the gym this morning, and I felt so content. Like I am finally living the life I have imagined. For the first time in a long time I feel settled and content with who I am. I feel like I am not trying to define or redefine who I am or what I want. And I feel like no-one, myself included, is asking me to change what I have always known myself to be. I believe that although I am able to change certain aspects of my personality or schedule or habits, there are certain core principles on which I am firmly grounded. Compassion, Love, Humor, Understanding, Emotion, Inspiration, Openness, Adventure, and Optimism. And for me any attempt to change those is like pushing against the earth. You can make a dent, but you can't move it. I think I am open to my life changing, and personal improvement and all of that, but I am open to it in a more organic way. I have been trying too hard to become something that I am not. I have been trying to become something that only comes when it is real. My struggles in the past ten years have been real. And they have led to many many important lessons. But perhaps the most important of them all is this, you can't be anybody but who you are, and a constant quest for personal improvement does nothing but erode that foundation. I have been waiting for the giant, Eureka!" moment, the epiphany, the life altering moment. But somewhere in the last month or two, day by day, it crept up on me. And today I wasn't overcome by it, I just realized that things are feeling easier to me. I wasn't trying to be a better person, or more motivated or anything other than me. I just am doing what I want to be doing, and I want to be learning and exploring and exercising and having friends. And I think that is an important lesson for me as well. For so long I have been trying to be all of those things. And you cannot try to be motivated. Motivation comes from somewhere else, it cannot be forced, at least not for me. And so I am content with who I am and what I am doing.
I feel real.
I feel at ease with my life.
I feel excited about possibilities.
I feel capable.
And I feel ready to do the big things and meet the challenges head on.

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
to leave the world a little better;
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is the meaning of success.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-