What We May Be

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
-William Shakespeare-

So I am one third of the way through my graduate program. In some senses I am further and in other I have barely begun. I have integrated and settled fairly well into life in England, and I certainly am not going to have to clear the same hurtles I did at the beginning of last semester. However, I have chosen a fairly ambitious path for my dissertation and that is only barely begun.

I feel like as much as I wanted to go into this past semester with no expectations, I had some subconscious thoughts of how things would go, and to be honest they led to some disappointments. A few of my expectations were probably understandable, wanting to make some close friends, find a partner, a place to belong, replace all that I have lost or never really had. But as always you cannot control how others act or feel, and sometimes you have to have other priorities than surrounding yourself with people that will fulfill those roles. Looking back I would say that I tried too hard to make people like me. I have been able to put my finger on feelings that better or more accurately describe my struggles. I feel lonely, yes, but why? Because I feel rejected, I feel unlikable, I feel not enough. And because of that I try so hard to dress myself up, at times embellish on my past, at times emphasize or hide parts of me, and at times just not act like myself. It certainly isn't a conscious act; I can see it clearly from a different country and surrounded by "reality." It is easy to see these acts in some ways as a defense mechanisms, or as safety devices. It is hard to admit, because I pride myself on being genuine, but after so much rejection and solitude it does seem inevitable that I was going to stumble.

So I guess the question is where to go from here. I need to find a comfort in aloneness. I need to continue a search for companions, whether they appear as a partner, or a social group, or a work environment. I need to find a comfort in who I am. And I need to heal.

I think in a lot of ways last term was about survival. This was not a bad thing but it is time to move on. Now that I have figured out how to remain alive in that place, I need to find a way to heal and to thrive.

Of the holidays I really like New Year's the best. It is a time to put the last year behind you, good or bad, and put your best foot forward into a new year. Its like stepping out of the woods into an open field of snow, no footprints anywhere for you to determine what the path will be and what the future will hold.

I feel like I am beginning to ramble a bit. But here's the point. Last year was rough, no doubt, turned my world upside-down. And last term was about survival, and rightly so, I think it was useful and understandable. But I have to move to the next step, I have to stand up. Walking with a limp, but walking. Remember and discover who I am and what my engines burn on. And pretty soon I will be running again.

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.

If your time to you Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.

For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.

It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is Rapidly agin'.

Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.

And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.


-Bob Dylan, "The Times They Are A-Changin"-