New Site!!!!!!!!!!

Very Important!!!!!

I am switching hosting services and will no longer be posting to this site. My new web address is:

dewache.com

Please update your bookmarks and visit me soon :o) it is lonely over there all by myself.

See ya soon.

There's Something in the Air

It's been a while since my last real post. I'd like to say that all has been well and that I have been busily plugging away at my dissertation and school work; but it has certainly not been a simple time and I have not been as deeply enmeshed in acedemia as I had hoped. I have however been busily plugging away at me. It has not been a pleasant time the past few weeks. I have really struggled. But in the last three or four days I have really come to some serious conclusions, ends that were a long time in the making.

It started as a feeling. It felt like something new was in the air. Yes the days have been getting longer, and warmer. Spring is on the verge of springing. But there is an added realization. A set of them really. I won't bore you all with the details but I think the most important thing that I have begun to realize is that there is nothing wrong with Me.

Sure I have some serious hurts to overcome and this conclusion is no where close to fully realized but in the meantime it is important for me to understand that I have no inherent flaw. I am not fundamentally wrong, bad, immoral, or insensitive. There are certain events that have led me to feel otherwise. They have tried my concept of who I am. They have undermined a good and decent man. And they have reinforced an idea that I am less than ideal.

So today I am reclaiming my goodness. I wrote it a few posts back and tonight I have integrated it a bit more:

I am me.

And that is something awfully special. I thank those that have stuck by me, who have supported me, and who have allowed me to be myself along the way.

Keep the home fires burning,
While your hearts are yearning,
Though the lads are far away,
They dream of home,
There's a silver lining,
Through the dark clouds shining,
Turn the dark clouds inside out,
'Til the boys come home.
-Lyrics by Lena Ford-

You Just Had to Walk Away

Waiting on an angel.
One to carry me home.
Hope you come to see me soon, cause I don't want to go alone,
I don't want to go alone.

Now angel won't you come by me.
Angel hear my plea.
Take my hand, lift me up so that I can fly with thee,
so that I can fly with thee.

And I'm waiting on an angel.
And I know it won't be long to find myself a resting place in my angel's arms,
in my angel's arms.

So speak kind to a stranger, cause you'll never know, it just might be an angel come,
Oh- knockin' at your door, Oh- knockin' at your door.

And I'm waiting on an angel.
And I know it won't be long to find myself a resting place in my angel's arms,
Oh- in my angel's arms.

Waiting on an angel.
One to carry me home.
Hope you come to see me soon, cause I don't want to go alone,
I don't want to go alone,
don't want to go,
I don't want to go alone.

-Ben Harper, "Waiting on an Angel"-

The Fall's Gonna Kill Ya

My life has taken an unforeseen turn towards the bizarre in the last couple of days. I have gotten the home phone number of a major social organization and I mean major (I don't want to say who it is here where all the world can see). I have a meeting with what amounts to the Tibetan ambassador to Northern Europe (titles are different since there is technically no Tibetan state), I am getting emails from around the world from fairly influential people Senators, ambassadors, lecturers. I am not saying this to brag or boost my stature, but more because I am confused. Six months ago when I left I was just a punk kid from the Midwest, unemployed and undirected. Now I am swimming in the biggest pond there is and I am a tiny, tiny fish. It feels good. It's my shot at the big leagues and I am fortunate to be getting it at such a young age. This is where it's happening and I want to prove myself worthy of playing at this level. (Can I mix a metaphor or what?)

Boy I've got vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals

-Butch, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"-

On a completely different note I watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last night and I have to ask: Where has this movie been all my life? What a great great film! So well written and acted. It's just so great!


Sundance: Well, I think I'll get saddled up and go looking for a woman.
Butch: Good hunting.
Sundance: Shouldn't take more than a couple of days. I'm not picky. As long as she's smart, pretty, and sweet, and gentle, and tender, and refined, and lovely, and carefree

-"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"-

Dark Side

The alliance... will die. As will your friends. Good, I can feel your anger. I am unarmed. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.
-The Emperor, Return of the Jedi-


Little by little I have let my heart be shadowed by feelings of anger, of pride, of vanity.

It has been a mix of Buddhist philosophy, western filmography, and personal integrity that has brought these thoughts into clarity. I have allowed myself to be consumed by those around me. I may have entered this place weakened but it has always been my responsibility to remain true to myself, and I have stumbled. It has become clear to me that I have become but a shadow of my former self; going through motions without intent, and in so doing I have dishonored them and me. I have also come to see that this descent did not start with recent events but rather has been a long time coming and that I must choose a different course if I am going to fulfill my true destiny and not merely that which has been forseen by another.

I am a man, a strong and capable man. I am also a gentle and kind hearted man. I can be vulnerable and strong, I can be capable and humble. Complexity can be a virtue, and contradiction a reality. I have found the power of my own capabilities and now I must learn to wield them with dexterity and virtue. And I need companions on my journey who are themselves capable and with vision. For I can no longer work in solitude, and my goals are too big for one man to accomplish alone.

I am Me, and no one can take that away.




Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
-Yoda, Return of the Jedi-

Hahahaha, I am such a dork!

I Am... I Said

I am Mike

I am just me tonight



I am surrounded

I am alone



I am strong

I am fragile


I am a fighter

I am a lover


I am hopeful

I am doubting


I am moving forward

I am looking backward


I am light

I am burdened


I am lost

waiting to be found




And I am Tired

Oh Bloody 'ell

I stayed up extra late tonight to watch the State of the Union for two reasons:
1) I believe it is important when we are given the rare opportunity to actually watch our leaders speak that we do so.
2) For the past 5 years I have taken this opportunity to yell at some sort of screen and threaten to move to another country and now that I have done so I still want to yell at the screen.

So here is my running commentary on the speech (our younger viewers may want to cover their ears I have trouble being "couth" during these events):

• Hey wait, I thought there were supposed to be nine justices
  
• "Mr. Speaker the President of the United States?"
• Bush, "I will say lots of words that don't really mean anything"
• Palestine is conspicuously missing from that list of democracies isn't it?
• The stream I have is a bit blurry but I swear I just saw someone reading the paper
• Can just for like one hour we not be proud of killing people. I suppose that because we don't live in an idealized world sometimes it is in everybody's best interest that it be done, but nobody needs to be proud of that.
  
• Did he just advocate "peaceful change"?
• AHHHHHHH! No! Bad Patriot Act! NO!
• Permanent tax cuts? Uh what?
• Is there such thing as sarcastic applause?
• Zero emissions coal plants? Research into rainbow powered cars?
• I am so glad someone has finally thought to focus our education curriculum on math and science. Those humanities have never contributed to societal growth anyway.
• Did he really ask them to outlaw human-animal hybrids? Were his speech writers high when they wrote this?

Ok, so he just talked for a little less than an hour and didn't say any more than 5 minutes worth of anything. I truly do believe this man isn't stupid, he does lack certain presidential qualities like public speaking skills which make him appear dumb. I don't think he is a bad person, just a misguided one. But it is speeches like tonight's that make me want more. We are indeed a great nation, and we live on a beautiful planet and I have been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to see and explore both, and we all deserve a president and a world leader who inspires us to be as great as we are and strive to live up to an even greater ideal.

So there you go. Not the most aggravating of his speeches, but, you know, still nothing special. Boo!

Rely not on the teacher/person, but on the teaching.
Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words.
Rely not on theory, but on experience.
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- The Buddha-

Goodbye Rooster Hello Dog

I headed into London today for the Chinese New Year celebrations. I love how multi-cultural this city is and how much they embrace it. It was huge event, parade in the morning, stage with dancing and music and Shao Lin monks all afternoon, some fireworks. It was a good time. Although my companions didn't seem to enjoy it as much I always like the big crowds. That crush of humanity; all of that energy which at least at the group level has positive tinge to it. I really like it. It was one of those days where it felt kind of surreal. We were squeezing our way through Chinatown and there where these lion dancers all over the place going to each shop and doing a little ceremony. It was just really cool to be in the amongst it on the fringe of being a part of it. It was also amazing to see the orderliness of this kind of event outside of the US. There weren't people who were upset, people were being very kind and considerate and helpful to each other. I don't know if this is a British phenomena or if the other thing is an American one. It was just generally a pleasant vibe and a nice way to spend a frigid but bright and sunny day.



Now I am back home and beginning to think of the work that lies ahead of me on several fronts. Probably the most obvious one is my dissertation. I have really gotten myself into a big one. I am really excited about it, but a little nervous. I am little worried about the amount of time I have to do all of it, I have classes for the next two months and then probably two more for data collection maybe a week or two more, and then three months to figure it all out and write it up. I certainly bit off a big chunk of work to do. I am a little nervous about traveling to India and S. Africa as well. Nervous about the contacts that are yet to be made, nervous about traveling and living in two more countries alone with really very little support in place yet, and nervous because I am letting other people get me worried about it all. I know things will get better as the structure of it all comes into place, but it certainly are concerns that I know I will have to address as I move forward. My mental health over the next 6 months certainly is crucial to me pulling it off.

Which brings me to my next major project. I have been struggling a bit the last few nights, its only at night. I have hard time sleeping, felt an ache in my heart for something that feels like it should have been but injured me. It may be that we are on the eve of what once could have been an anniversary, it could be that I have been wondering about where my future will be, or it could just be that I feel so emotionally vulnerable here. As usual my assumption is a combination of all that and more; we are such complex little beings. I guess I need some affection, a little safety, my big brother to come get my back, and my lobster to find me.

I am right here waiting,
doing my best to keep my head above water,
and my dreams in a less lonely future.


The meaning I picked, the one that changed my life:
Overcome fear, behold wonder.
-Aeschylus


I want to overcome, so badly.
There is so much to behold.






(BTW, I pirated those pics fromthe BBC website. If any of you are curious I do that a lot, "borrow" stuff from websites. I am certainly happy to take anything down if the owner wants me too, I am not sure how Kosher it all is)

Dreaming of You

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

-Joseph Arthur, In the Sun-

Where are you tonight?

Don't Fear the Reaper

OK any one who hasn't seen the Bill & Ted movies in the last 5 years take one step forward... not so fast me. You all need to go rent, buy, or otherwise get your eyes on these movies. I forgot how absolutely funny these movies are. Watching that whole scene when they are in heaven was probably the hardest I have laughed since I got back over here (not as hard as at mine and me compadre's shenanigans in Home Depot while I was home, guess you don't have to grow up after all). Anywho, go watch them.

"The best place to be is here. And the best time to be is now."
-Bill S. Preston Esq., Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey-