There Ain't No Easy Way...

Well, here I am. Didn't go to Paris and didn't write any Blogs.

I have spent the past few days doing same major Me time. I guess you could say I took advantage of the opportunity presented to me by no-one being around (all of my close friends are traveling for reading week), though that sounds more conscious than the action was. It has been quite the battle for my sanity. I have felt strongly in all directions, deeply sad, elated, hurt, strenghtened, longing for what was, happy with what is, excited about what will be, lonely, surrounded; like I said, a lot of everything. I have come to some interesting realizations or at least half way there. I am not going to get into it all tonight. Suffice it to say, I am very happy with my decision to stay here, do it alone, and really confront some things I have been denying for a while now.

So it's officially Christmas season here. Yeah it seems incredibly early, but not really that much earlier than back home, Thanksgiving is next week. I really like this time of year. The lights over the street, the people asking for money for the needy, the energy, all of it. Its one of those things that just appeals to me, the ideal of it all. I guess when it comes down to it, 90% of everything in my life comes down to intention. If you are a good person and your intention is to help, that is good enough for me most of the time. And in turn you can do the "right thing" with selfish or angry motivations that taint it for me. So, yeah the holidays have come to be about some commercial indulgences; but I don't care, because the ideal, the intention, is to do good, celebrate hope, and start a new year fresh. I am ready for this hope.

I need this hope.

Yesterday I took a little "Peace" tour of London. I walked to this park by the British Library called Tavistock Square. I sat and meditated for a good hour in front of a memorial to Gandhi. It was a pretty powerful experience. It is a really interesting thing to walk into the park, all around is big city noise, but once you pass through the gates all the noise fades away. Whether it is some trick of the mind or it is be shrubs around the borders dimming the noise it is an equally wonderful treat. In the same park is a stone with a plaque dedicated to conscientious objectors, and a cherry tree in memory of the victims of the Hiroshima bombing. After that I went over to St. John's Wood to walk buy the offices of the Tibetan Government in Exile. No one was there, but I was comforted to walk by. And then before I headed home I went down to Battersea park to sit next to the Peace Pagoda for a minute before heading home. It was an intense day, but good. Really good.

Well, I am headed off to Edinburgh tomorrow morning. I am excited, and a bit nervous. All this time alone has made me feel really vulnerable to loneliness, and leaving the tiny bit of familiarity I have here is a bit scary tonight. But at the same time I made a conscious decision to do this alone. It was important to me that this was my experience with HH Dalai Lama. I do not worry that others would necessarily or intentionally taint my experience, but more that my concept of self is so fragile right now that I am easily suaded away from the realness of me. Anyway, I am very excited. I really want to get my ideas for my dissertation figured out soon so that I can get my proposal together, and I think this may help me clarify my thought process.

My heart is full of hope, and my mind is open to new realities. My body is scared, but my soul is healing.



You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round.
-James Corbett-